@HorseGirl I am sorry and saddened to hear of your struggles a of late. It can be difficult to navigate this disease and all that goes with it.
Despite being NED, I understand the process that one can undergo wondering if every ache or pain may be it returning. It is difficult to shut our brains off from noticing every little nuance while in treatment to "living our lives". Some of that lingers with you and makes you wonder at every little turn. What I can say is this, look up symptoms for sure but do your best to look at for info only. It is very sad that many are no longer with us when we read older threads. This can bring about feelings of grief for oneself and for others which can be unhealthy for us in the long run. Anticipatory grief stays with us and we all learn how to navigate it and incorporate it into our daily lives. I, personally, try my best to take every day as a new day and not to look too far ahead. Some days this is easy and other days more difficult. Finding ways to occupy your day and mind is key and to stay in the present as much as one can. Planning outings etc with family and friends is a way to help you look forward. When we are having difficult days, that is okay too as long as we don't get stuck in it. Change of scenery can help even for an hour or two and change one's perspective for the day. Posting here and venting can be another. I am thankful that you find this a forum that you can do this with the other Teal Sisters.
Here is hoping you will have a different outlook on today and that it is more positive than yesterday. That the grief you are feeling eases some and you can find some joy in the day. 💖
Hang in there!