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Well I had a nice 6 mos reprieve of NED but my ca 125 went up had a ct scan and now have a recurrence. I dont even know how to feel. My first round was July 2022. Any insights to manage this news is greatly appreciated 

@powderpuff  I am thankful that you have posted and shared your news.  There is no one magical answer for your question.  I wish there was because it would make it easier on all of us.  For me, I knew it was recurring due to my symptoms and how I was feeling in general.  I kept it quiet from everyone until after my hubby's 50th birthday and beyond that.  I needed to see the CA125 numbers and the CT scan to be sure.  Once I had that, I let my circle know.  I felt lots of feelings at the time. Some of them were gladness that what I was feeling was being validated, despair at telling my loved ones and curiosity at what comes next.  I was in denial about having to stop working after they deemed me palliative and it took 4 doctors before it sunk in.  I had emotions of extreme sadness and cried and worried. It is a mixed bag of things to be honest. I joined a Palliative Day Program and started focusing on making things for loved ones, organizing financial, legal stuff, researched what I might be able to do next and slept as I was exhausted from the oral chemo they put me on.  I have LGSC which does not have a lot of options. I had 6 rounds of chemo which finished in Aug 2021, declared NED in the Sept, started feeling unwell and gaining weight despite going to gym on top of working full time in Jan and had to wait until March to see an Oncologist.  I didn't get my normal one and the one I had brushed me off and asked me "if I could step up my game" in answer to my weight gain. I hence had to wait another 3 mos to see my regular Oncologist.  It was like waiting on pins and needles. Once I did find out about the recurrence, I will say, everyone moved quickly and had me on an oral chemo fast. As for the HGSC, I believe there are multiple options of treatment out there which is promising.  The biggest question I asked myself then and continue to do is "what is my quality of life and what does that look like for me?".  I want to be as much of myself as I can be until I can't. There are many emotions involved but one does get through it.  Reach out and ask if you find you are not coping well with all of it. There are resources out there that can help. 
  Fairly long winded but I hope it helps you. Enjoy the nice weather and sunshine while we have it. 

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it. I see my oncologist on Oct 11 so I’ll get some more answers then 

@powderpuff  Your welcome.  I hope you have great news about treatment options and where everything is heading.  I want you to know what ever you have feelings about, is normal and you are not alone.  <3

@powderpuff  Thought I would check in to see how you are doing.  What did you find out about treatment options and where things are headed?  Anything you want to share?

Well ladies I have some more info on where I am at with my treatment/condition.
Latest bloodwork shows that my creatinine is back up to 62 from the 49 it was last time.  My CA125 climbed from 211 to 255 this past time. Plan is to re-do bloodwork in 2 wks and then 2 wks again.  Discuss with my palliative doc as well and determine whether a nephrostomy would be warranted in the near future or not.
  How do I feel about it?  Mixed!  Thankful I have been able to hold off on the nephrostomy and the double one they originally wanted to do last year. Mixed on having a nephrostomy and all it entails. I have watched some videos on YouTube about living with one. One person had some great ideas for bed which was pinning the bag to the side of the bed for ease of movement during the night, as well as emptying the bag 2-3 hrs after going to bed to last until the morning. The other was for showering and again, attaching the bag to the shower curtain for ease of movement.  
I now understand better where the pain derives from post procedure and it totally makes sense.
 Am I prepared to have one done....nope!  In my head I either want it done soon before the holidays OR to postpone until it's all done so that good memories are attached with the holidays. 
 All in all I am still processing a lot of it and where things may be headed.  This doesn't mean I have given up on the turkey tail mushrooms and/or they aren't working.  I hadn't been drinking my tea like I was and am not taking a product the naturopath had given me over a year ago. So, I am purposely not doing either until next bloodwork then starting it again to see what the bloodwork reads in 4 wks from now.
  That's my plan anyways! Enjoy each and every moment with friends/family and do my best to hold off telling the family about any of it until the holidays are done.
 

@Strongwoman. Thanks for checking in and thank you so much for sharing your legacy projects at the forum. We cried through all of it but it was so necessary. I’m still waiting to hear about treatment. I had a ct scan last week and the lesion has grown but I feel good physically. I see my dr on Wednesday where I’ll find out more. I’m working but can’t get my mind off this recurrence. I’m trying to practice mindfulness but with little success. It’s crazy making. Thanks again for checking in 

@powderpuff  Your welcome. I was honoured and happy to be able to share what my Legacy work is and hope that it inspires others to begin.
  Yes, it is tough to work and know you have a recurrence. More difficult still I the not knowing what that means for you, treatment and outcomes.  You are almost there to get some answers.  Ask the questions you need to at your appt. If you need some time off, talk to them about it.  We will all be here for you after you obtain more info and will all help the best we can to support you through what is to come.
  A couple more sleeps is all the countdown you need...
 Take care of <3

@Strongwoman those words have given me great comfort. I think I want time off because I’m so distracted but then I don’t want to let my colleagues down as I’m working on a high profile project at work. I know my health matters more but work keeps me occupied. I could occupy myself with song writing and outdoor stuff. If only money wasn’t an issue. 

I am thinking of you @powderpuff and hope your appt goes well tomorrow so that you obtain the answers you need.  As for time off, I can see your point of view regarding work and finances.  It is scary.  I owned my own business and it was the most difficult decision I have faced. Retiring from my profession.  I don't believe from reading your posts that you are at that end of it. There are options out there for finances and perhaps your work place has a short or long term disability that you can tap into?  Best to discuss with your doctor and see if they have any suggestions/options for you.  Being on a high profile project, is that exciting/hard work collaborating with peers to come up with a solution and possibly a good distraction for you? OR Completely the opposite.
  Get some rest.

@Strongwoman so back from the appt. My symptoms are minimal and disease progression is also limited between Sept and Nov. I’m going to enjoy the holidays and start treatment in Jan for 3 rounds. I have an awesome bike trip planned for the end of April so looking forward to that. As for work it is cool to work with a great team. I have a hard time focusing on it though. 

@powderpuff  It sounds like it was a better outcome than perhaps you expected?  The plan in place sounds like a good one and thought out. How do you feel about it?  A bike trip.  Sounds exciting. Where and for how long will you be biking for?  Yes, focusing is an issue many have which can arise from diagnosis (thoughts that go with it), chemo (brain fog) or plain too much going on and mind is too many places and can't concentrate.  I hope this settles for you and you can focus a little better.  
Take care and thank you for sharing your update.

@powderpuff  I thought I would check in.  I believe you will have started chemo again?  How are you feeling these days?  Is it having a cumulative effect on you as of yet or side effects still minimal at this time?  Thinking of you.....drop a line when you are up to it.  
Take care  <3

So great to hear from you. I have just finished my 2nd round and I’m beat. After my first round I ended up with a collapsed lung and spent 4 days in the hospital. That freaked me out. This round I’m just feeling weak kind of a jet lag feeling. Im trying to stay hydrated and rest when I need it. We are up at our cottage this week enjoying the snow. How are you feeling?

After my lung scare I decided to cancel my bike trip  

OMG @powderpuff  That would be so scary!  My heart goes out to you!  I bet that created a lot of anxiety at the time which would not have helped anything.  Treatment for a collapsed lung is rest.....yes?  If that isn't correct, let me know.  What happens now and how does it affect anything going forward for yourself?  Jetlag feeling---hmm would that be a lot of fatigue and heavy feeling?   I have not experienced so am guessing at best.  
  Cottage....so nice, where is it located?  I bet it is so nice and cozy.  If the snow is there, it should be super quiet outside as well.  Just the crackling of a fire inside......book, tea and blanket???   Sounds lovely and what you need right now.
  I am doing okay.  I am fatigued more than normal and adjusting to it possibly being my new norm.  I don't want to accept it but am accepting that "it is" for now and I will go from there.  Obviously my body needs it.  It has booted my behind to start wrapping my Legacy gifts I have completed so that my family isn't left scrambling should something happen to me.  So that fills my days currently.  
  Canceling your bike trip must have been disappointing.  I know you were looking forward to it greatly. Have you set a new goal post that is achievable given your new norm?  Are you ready to do that yet?
  Thinking of you and you enjoy your time at the cabin.  <3

My recovery from my lung I think is good. I think it’s this chemo regimen that’s kicking me in the butt. Acceptance is very challenging for sure. I can’t help but feel guilty about my fatigue. I want to contribute to my home life but it’s tough. I know this too shall pass and I’ll get through this recurrence. I haven’t set a new goal for myself but I’ll put thought into that. How are you feeling about your legacy projects?  

Fatigue Meriam Dictionary meaning:
2a

Well it has been a long time since I have written in this section and probably time to update. The funny thing about recurrence is that, it begins and you really can't stop it. One can try and try to search everything relevant to see if we can slow it down but the inevitability is that it continues to grow despite what we do.

My numbers doubled in the spring which was a good indication that things are not working. Discussing further treatment options was a bust as there did not seem to be any viable options out there for my case in particular. It was disheartening in some ways even though I knew this to be the truth. After that, I felt like I was abandoned by my Onc team and didn't know how to take it or what to do next. So, I took a break. I re-evaluated and came up with a plan. I would return and continue taking my oral chemo due to the minimal side effects they truly have knowing full well they are not making much of a change inside my body. Then we would do routine blood work every 3 months and go from there. I can always ask for an earlier appt based on symptoms if need be. If nothing else it will give me my CA 125 levels, creatinine and liver function testing levels so I know where I am at with that. Basically gently monitoring knowing full well we are headed to an end at some point. This came with a lot of emotions. Knowing my body is progressing and knowing there are no viable treatment options left to me. It made me more determined to complete my Legacy projects and get more prepared. I am slowly wrapping that up and making sure they are all labelled so there is no confusion later. My office is full of these presents or gifts for others that I am sure they will appreciate later. I am sure my family thinks I am crazy but that is ok.

Recently, I have had to take a daily steroid in order to be able to eat and keep these bowel obstructions at bay better. I was doing really well with it and was starving and eating so much, it was great. Well that has now slowed down for me and I am back to struggling when eating. I am hungry which is good/great but then I eat and feel fine then hours later the pain and bloating that sets in is out of this world. There really isn't much they can do about it either. So I am back to watching what I eat and needing more fluids. I decided last night that it will have to include some juicing as well so I get more nutrients into me. Soup will only go so far and I will get bored. It is worth a shot anyways. I am hoping it will stop the pains in the abdomen associated with the digestion of food. I have grappled for several wks now with the mental/emotional side of this. I know it means I am worsening and then when I think about what that means for myself and my family all that comes is "I am NOT ready". Is it one of those things that you never truly are? I have a friend in the same boat and is watching the changes to her body currently and not liking it. What do you do with it as it is the inevitability? I guess we all handle it differently. For me finishing up my journals and some other stuff for my boys are a top priority for me. It is where my focus is going as the spoken word from me will be something they will reflect on later.

I had to ask my Palliative Doctor a prognosis for myself and was informed less than 6 months and could even be less than 3 months. This hit me hard. It was like being told all over again and the feeling so raw. Knowing I have to have conversations with family and making sure that any time they want with me, they take advantage of it while I feel good and have the chance. Watching my youngest fall asleep in the chair the other night brought so much comfort to me. Just knowing he was there and watching him sleep brought back memories of watching him sleep when he was much much younger. Listening to both son's days at work is great as it makes me feel part of it and more connected to them. A focus away from what I perhaps did during the day. Having these conversations with some of the family will be difficult but necessary so they can decide how they spend any lasting time with me and perhaps what they want to discuss. Hard as some of the conversations will be, in my opinion they will be necessary for their own grieving process and for me, acceptance of where things are headed. I will be very happy if I can live every day pain free with out the bloating and sounds coming from my abdomen. That would be so nice for sure.

In the meantime, I wake every day and see what the day throws at us and go from there. Today, I plan on doing this and that and not worrying about much. Tying up a few loose ends re: housing etc but that is it. Did the last financial piece yesterday at the bank so that they won't freeze my account on hubby. That was an hour ordeal but it is completed. Now I will work on getting things that are either automatically deposited or withdrawn taken from a new account so that it is all set up for hubby later. That will take time to source and do this but I will get it done.

Perhaps we will find a place to look at today and be able to go see it in person. We are going with the flow and if it feels right and works out right, perhaps we will move sooner rather than later and end the rest of the drama that goes with it. We will see.

So many emotions yet to process…….but will process as they come up and hang on to my support system at the same time.

\Take care

s